33 Life Lessons

Adulting is hard. Nobody said it would be easy, and no one ever told me it would be this hard.

They say that when we enter Paradise, we will appear in the form we had at the age of 33. Perhaps because 33 is considered the peak of our youth. 

But personally, being 33 has been quite a roller-coaster year for me.

Some of the hardest trials of my life happened within this past year. It began with the passing of my father, which forced me to confront inner wounds that I had avoided for so long. Slowly, I also began to recognize the unhealthy relationships I had experienced with others, and little by little, I learned to forgive, let go, and accept.

The tears, months of insomnia, and repeatedly going through the five stages of grief took a considerable toll on my mental health. On top of that, these are also the final years of my PhD journey for both Ghozi and me, which has added even more emotional and mental pressure.

Throughout this PhD journey, I found myself trying many new things as coping mechanisms for stress. I learned how to play chess, became consistent with running and going to the gym, learned how to drive, and even started writing fiction. All of these became little escapes from the burdens of being a Doctoral student.

As I approach 34, I want to gather the 33 life lessons I have learned during my 33rd year. I was inspired by my best friend Camila, who collects life lessons every year on her birthday.

So, here are my 33 life lessons.

1. No such thing as a luck. What people called as luck is when preparation meets the opportunity
2. If you leave 4 things to focus on one things, you probably will miss a lot of things. So just choose to juggling five things; you will get 3 of them anyway
3. Four or five years will passed with or without degree anyway, so I choose to enjoy my journey while add some knowledge and degree.
4. In this life, side quest also equally important with your main quest. It keeps you from stress, help your growth journey, and make your life more colorful
5. No one can really love you other than yourself, so please love yourself and believe in yourself.
6. Every beautiful things take times to form. Be patient.
7. You will regret more when you not trying at all, rather than when you trying but failed.
8. Be kind but have self-respect. For those who can’t see your value and kindness, well let them loses access to you.
9. When you have enough self-respect, people will stop disrespecting you.
10. No one can make you inferior without your consent
11. Never ever be friend with insecure people.
12. People who need you belittling yourself to feel okay are not your people
13. Some drama are beneath you, not worthy your time and energy
14. In chess, if you have a winning position, you don’t need to tell opponent that he is losing. You just deliver the checkmate.
15. Be a competent but unbothered, because you don’t need anyone validation
16. The most attractive thing a women can do is to become so successful and so happy with yourself that you genuinely stop noticing if someone looking at you or not.
17. You are the five people around you. Surround yourself with people who value your bright mind and dream.
18. The most beautiful growth is becoming a version of yourself that is completely unrecognizable to those who tried to keep you small.
19. Learn neuroplasticity - we literally can be everything we believe we can do
20. When people said you change, that is the whole purpose. Change shows that you are grow.
21. One thing people forget about growth, it can be really painful to outgrow last version of you. But it worth it in the end.
22. Focus on your long term goal rather that short-term pleasure.
23. My dream is big and I’m not scared to reach it.
24. It is important to support and encourage people to reach their dreams and best potential
25. Think every possible way to improve yourself, to become better version of yourself
26. Be grateful when you meet someone that encourage you to grow, learn, and become better version of ourselves. They are very rare.
27. One important things to learn is detachment: you can't be too clingy to something that doesn't belong to you. And remember that everything is belong to Allah.
28. Some people cross the path with you not to stay forever, but to teach you something. Learn from their wisdom.
29. People come into our lives, leave their mark, and continue their journey.
30. We cannot hold to every moment forever, but we can appreciate it while it last.
31. Stop chasing validation from people that will never give it to you (or people in general, actually).
32. Learn not to love too much, because the greatest disappointments often come from placing too much hope in other people.
33. That's it. I am running out quote.

The Dreamer

One of my habit as delulu girl is having dreams too big, almost impossible one.

Sometimes I share it with people close to me. I also like to hype other person dream and encourage them to pursue it, because I saw their potential.

Along the way, I've learned that not everyone approaches life in the same way. Some people are naturally cautious, some are practical, and some are dreamers. And I am a dreamer, on the delusion level. Sometimes I can came of as wrong way: toxic positivity, tone deaf, over-confident, arrogant, or too naive. And sometimes it is exhausting being the only one who supportive but not receive reciprocal energy: support when I need it the most. Thus, I’ve always felt especially grateful when I meet people who encourage growth, possibility, and continuous learning; because they are rare. 

So, in this life, when I meet people with same soul, the girl support girl, it becomes very refreshing. Lately I've been reflecting on a few women who have had a meaningful impact on my journey.

First one I know is Camila. Camila has been one of those people since we were teenagers. We've spent years encouraging each other's goals, celebrating wins, and reminding each other to keep going during difficult moments. Yes I think we both used to be too naive, sometimes stupid. But with her, I always think every possible way to improve myself better. She also always encourage me even when I constantly doubted myself. I remember she had a dream as a Judge since she was a child, and look at her now. Seeing her continue to pursue the dream she has carried since childhood has been inspiring.

In my doctoral journey, Mbak Dian has been a source of wisdom, encouragement, and generosity. She has always been willing to share her experience and help those of us who are still figuring things out. She always encouraging me to believe in myself, and support me when I need it the most. When I said I was lazy and overwhelmed, she constantly remind me and sometimes scold me like a big sister. She also generously share the tips and trick for all classmate to ease our journey. She not have to do that, but her support is essential for us who still wandering. Meeting with her always recharging because we always discuss how to improve our life better: as a student, as a lecturer, even as a Mom. And of course, how to navigate real life after study. 

And then there is Feymi, whose passion and dedication constantly impress me. 

It is rare to have someone with same vision as you, same dream, and same energy to reach it. We have equal passion in research. With Feymi, I can feel like a war general with loyal right hand (and we are ready to build our kingdom hahahaha). But in truth, Feymi is the real war general, I just share my vision, and she executes it. I see she has big potential to be a star because she is much much more cooler and have more achievement compare to who I am when I was in her age. Watching her grow, pursue her own goals, and build her own path has been a privilege. I have no doubt she will continue to achieve amazing things.

As life moves forward, our paths may take us to different places. One by one they will leave me soon.

Mbak Dian back to Makassar, to her hometown. Camila will study in Japan for two years (after we get close again, after eight years separated?? The world is too cruel). And Feymi, well she will chase her own dream, and I support her wholeheartedly wherever she will go. 

While part of me feels sad about the distance, another part feels grateful for having shared this season of life with them. Sure, people come into our lives, leave their mark, and continue their journeys. We cannot hold on to every moment forever, but we can appreciate it while it lasts.

Because one important thing I learn recently is detachment: you can’t be too clingy to something that doesn’t belong to you. And everything is belongs to Allah, remember?

May Allah bless their journeys, and may we all continue to find people who encourage us to grow, learn, and become better versions of ourselves.

Mencari Islam di Durham

"Gimana Inggris? Apakah kamu menjadi korban islamophobia di sana?"

Sebagai seorang muslimah yang menempuh studi di Eropa, ada satu-dua pertanyaan seperti itu yang datang kepadaku. Mengingat aku seorang muslimah yang mengenakan jilbab, identitas sebagai seorang muslim selalu kubawa dimanapun aku berada, sehingga aku lebih rawan menjadi sasaran islamophobia.

Sebelum aku menjejakkan kaki di Durham, aku tidak terlalu memusingkan masalah menjadi seorang muslim yang minoritas. Kupikir, Durham sama seperti kota-kota besar di Inggris yang muslim-friendly seperti London atau Birmingham dimana imigran muslim sangat banyak sehingga tidak perlu mengkhawatirkan ketersediaan makanan halal. Setidaknya, menurutku menjadi muslim di UK lebih nyaman daripada di negara Eropa lainnya atau bahkan di negara-negara Asia.

Namun Durham memang bukan London; Durham adalah sebuah desa kecil dimana Islam sangat menjadi minoritas. Karena itu, sebagai minoritas wajar jika aku harus mengalami penyesuaian. Sebenarnya, secara penerimaan terhadap muslim, Durham adalah kota yang ramah dan baik. Walau mungkin satu-dua kali kami mengalami rasisme secara verbal, namun overall penduduk Durham tidak seperti itu; penduduk yang sebagian besar merupakan kakek dan nenek pensiunan sangat ramah, kami saling bertukar sapa dan senyum serta bercakap-cakap di jalan.

Untuk tempat beribadah, sebenarnya kampus menyediakan Prayer Room yang biasa digunakan oleh semua agama, termasuk Islam, Kristen, Yahudi, Hindu, Buddha dan sebagainya. Sehingga kami bisa sholat di ruangan yang memiliki salib besar menggantung. Prayer Room juga biasa digunakan oleh Islamic Society, yaitu komunitas muslim di Durham University untuk melakukan kegiatan mingguan mengkaji ayat Al-Qur'an. Namun Prayer Room terdekat ada di College yang letaknya agak jauh. Untungnya, sebagai mahasiswa magister Islamic Finance kami mendapat keistimewaan bisa mengakses Doctoral Training Center for Islamic Finance, yang dihuni oleh sebagian besar muslim. Selain penuh dengan kubikel dan komputer, ada ruangan khusus yang biasa digunakan sholat berjamaah. Namun bila jarak antar kuliah sangat mepet dan tidak sempat ke DTC, kami bisa menggunakan tangga darurat di kampus Business School untuk sholat.

Prayer Room di Aidan College

Durham University menyediakan mushola yang terletak di City Center, yang biasa digunakan oleh komunitas muslim di Durham untuk sekedar sholat atau melaksanakan sholat jumat, dan pada bulan Ramadhan digunakan untuk ifthar dan shalat tarawih. Namun karena letaknya sangat jauh di City Center (sekitar 45 menit berjalan kaki dari rumah), maka kami tidak terlalu sering ke mushola, kecuali jika kebetulan sedang berbelanja atau berjalan-jalan ke City Center. Mushola ini pun bentuknya merupakan semacam ruko dua lantai yang diberi kunci elektronik, tidak terbuka untuk umum. Letaknya persis di belakang Pub Dun Cow, sehingga untuk menuju mushola kami harus melewati gang Pub dimana banyak orang sedang berkumpul menikmati alkohol. Karena itu, kami diwanti-wanti oleh kakak-kakak senior agar tidak pulang terlalu malam dari mushola, mengingat kemungkinan berpapasan dengan orang-orang mabuk. Terkadang senior kami harus menginap di mushola menunggu sampai pagi datang agar lebih aman. 

Dun Cow Pub, pintu masuk untuk mengakses mushola di City Center

Satu-satunya masjid (yang benar-benar merupakan bangunan masjid) di County (Provinsi) Durham terletak di Stockton, yang dapat ditempuh selama satu jam dengan menggunakan bis dari Durham. Masjid ini hanya dibuka saat waktu sholat saja; selain itu masjid ini terkunci rapat.

Satu-satunya "Masjid Beneran" di Stockton

Satu hal yang menjadi tantangan besar bagiku di Durham adalah soal makanan halal. Sebagai seseorang yang concern pada isu produk halal-haram (bahkan mengambil skripsi dan penelitian tentang ini), mungkin rasanya hipokrit jika aku tidak mengkonsumsi produk halal. Tapi percayalah, kondisi menjadi minoritas memang tidak semudah itu. Aku nyaris tidak bisa menemukan makanan dengan label halal di sini, kalaupun ada itu hanya daging-daging di toko halal khusus muslim yang letaknya di luar kota dan harganya lebih mahal. Untuk beberapa barang makanan kebutuhan sehari-hari tentu saja hampir tidak ada yang berlabel halal. Sehingga, aku berusaha menyiasatinya dengan memperhatikan ingredients, melihat kode makanan, menggunakan scan halal (yang belum tentu info kehalalan semua produk tersedia), atau sekedar mencari label: suitable for vegetarian. Sebelum kami sempat berbelanja ke toko halal, kami hanya memakan seafood dan telur sebagai sumber protein. Sebisa mungkin kami berusaha menjaga agar yang masuk ke tubuh kami hanya makanan halal saja.

Di City Center Durham, sedikit sekali restoran atau tempat makan yang menjual makanan halal, mungkin hanya ada dua atau tiga restoran saja. Jangan bayangkan restorannya bersertifikasi halal seperti Indonesia; dasarnya adalah kepercayaan. Karena pegawai-pegawai dan pemilik restorannya adalah orang-orang IPB (India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, tiga negara asal imigran muslim yang paling banyak di Durham), maka kami percaya berdasarkan statement mereka bahwa mereka hanya menjual makanan halal dengan daging yang disembelih sesuai dengan syariat Islam. Biasanya juga aku tidak makan di luar tapi membawa bekal yang dipersiapkan sebelumnya dari rumah. Selain menjaga kehalalan makanan yang kita konsumsi, pastinya membawa makanan dari rumah lebih hemat (karena sekali makan di luar bisa 5 pounds). 

Dixy, salah satu restoran fast food yang halal

Namun ketika kami ke Newcastle, kota besar yang berjarak 15 menit naik kereta dari Durham, tentunya pilihan makanan halal lebih banyak tersedia, juga restoran halal. Bahkan di kawasan Fenham yang banyak tinggal warga keturunan arab, toko-toko besar yang menjual makanan halal banyak tersebar. Di Stockton yang juga banyak warga komunitas muslim keturunan arab, banyak toko yang menjual makanan bahkan frozen food halal. Sekali lagi, harga makanan halal tidaklah murah. Namun alhamdulillah, kami masih bisa mengakses daging atau ayam potong halal walaupun harus menempuh jarak jauh dan merogoh kocek lebih dalam.

Salah satu toko halal di Stockton

Overall, menjadi minoritas dimanapun memang tidak mudah. Namun aku bersyukur, sebagai muslim aku masih bisa tetap menjalankan kewajiban dan kepercayaanku di Inggris, negara minoritas muslim. Tentunya menjalankan ibadah yang tidak semudah di Indonesia seharusnya bukan menjadi excuse bagiku untuk tidak melaksanakannya; tetapi malah menjadi pemacu untuk tetap berpegang teguh pada agama dimanapun aku berada. 

Bagiku, inilah ujian keimanan sesungguhnya: apakah aku masih bisa mengaku dan menjalankan kewajiban sebagai muslim di luar zona nyamanku?

"Apakah manusia mengira bahwa mereka akan dibiarkan mengatakan: Kami telah beriman, sedang mereka belum diuji?" (QS Al-Ankabut:2-3).